Totgeliebt
by TheCocaineDiaries
Summary: AU. Ritsuka is writing a confession letter about his lonely life, and someone he meets who wants more from him than he can offer. Or can he? SoubiXRitsuka
1. Chapter 1

Dear ...,

It is late at night, probably somewhere between eleven and twelve-thirty. I can't be sure, because my cell phone isn't by my side. It may be abnormal for a sixth grader to stay up this late on a school night, but it's just something that happens. I don't sleep very easily.

...

I checked my cell phone a little while ago. It is now two-fifteen. I want to write more in this little notebook I bought, but I'm a little embarrassed. Katsuko-sensei says this is a good exercise for me, but I don't even know where to begin.

...

It is now exactly four AM. I can't sleep. I'm bored. I guess I will have to write here after all. It's not like anyone will find these words.

I guess, if you want to be precise, everything all started a few years ago. When this "Ritsuka" was born, and I met Seimei, my older brother. I knew from the moment I opened my eyes, not knowing who I was or where I was, life would be abnormal for me. My mother instantly gave me the cold shoulder, reacting dangerously to her ten year old son who had changed dramatically overnight. My father didn't add much to the situation; he agreed with everything my mother said, including starting therapy with Katsuko-sensei to bring back the old "Ritsuka". My older brother, Seimei, was the only light in my life.

He did what every great older brother should and more; He played with me, he taught me about my "new" neighborhood and school, he showed me new things and made me happy. I was only with him for two years of this new life, but I knew I loved him more than anything else.

Then he died. I know people die all the time, but why did it have to happen to me? There are plenty of children who have not experienced death in any way. But, then again, there are many who have. I was just unlucky.

Seimei was murdered. They found his corpse the day after he went missing. I guess in a way that was good; it crushed my hope for his return before I became too hopeful. We're still not sure who the killer was. It could have been a gang of teenagers, a pervert, or someone who just truly hated my beloved older brother. But I didn't know anyone who possibly could.

My family moved to a new neighborhood. The new house was much closer to Katsuko-sensei, which was a relief, but that would mean I would have to attend a new school. I didn't care too much. I didn't have many friends at my old school to begin with, after the incident, and I wasn't too preoccupied with finding new ones.

On my first very first day of my new elementary school, I had already caused an uproar. My teacher treated me specially, probably with the knowledge of Seimei's death. The perky girl next to me cried when I told her she was stupid. All the students in my class glared at me, already deciding that they didn't like me.

And I didn't care. I didn't want friends. I was fine by myself.

When the last bell rang that day, I slowly went down the stairs and left my school. A girl from my class, the one who had been crying just a few periods ago, tried talking to me again. I didn't know what her problem was, so I brushed her off and walked briskly through the front gates of the school.

"Why are you mad?" someone asked.

I heard the voice before I felt the land closed around my wrist. I stared for a moment into space, before I had registered who had quite said those words.

He was older than me. Probably in college. He looked somewhat sophisticated, wearing a long coat and casually smoking a cigarette. He wore glasses at the end of his nose, and I briefly thought that he seemed like a cool person, until I saw the top of his head.

There were no ears.

"Who are you?" I demanded, trying to snatch my hand back. To my surprise, he held on tighter to my wrist, pulling me a step closer to him.

"You don't know me?" he said in this soft, tobacco-husky voice.

"Of course not!" I yelled, trying again fruitlessly to take my hand back. Why would I know this... adult? This impure adult, with no ears.

"I came to your house once, a few years ago..." he said, scratching his head and peering down at me.

I glared. "If it was more than two years ago, I don't remember you," I spat.

He looked at me, confused, but he didn't ask what I meant by that. "I was a friend of your brother's. He told me about you."

I froze.

"You knew my brother?" I repeated softly. I felt his grip on my wrist relax, and I pulled free. "Were you his friend?"

"Mm-hm," he answered.

I wasn't sure what else to say, but, somehow, this new knowledge changed everything. I leaned against the gates, suddenly shy. "I'm sorry that I don't remember you..." I muttered.

He shrugged, a small smile on his lips. "It's alright. Seimei didn't really introduce me to your family."

I nodded. Children were starting to run through the gates, talking and laughing, while I stood here next to a complete stranger. Or was he? If he knew my brother, that meant he was good, right?

"What's your name?" I asked softly.

His somewhat silly smile grew a bit, and he mimicked me by leaning next to me on the gates. "Soubi," he said.

A few people were looking suspiciously at him. I guess he was a little conspicuous; cigarette butts were at his feet, his hair was longer than most of the girls surrounding the now-crowded entrance, and he was much too young to be a parent picking up their child, yet he was talking to me.

Was he one of those bad adults my teachers always warned me about? The kind that tempted you with candy, then took you away forever? Older people always told us kids to never leave with someone you just met. But this man was Soubi, Seimei's friend. He wasn't really a stranger, then.

"Do you have some time, Soubi?" I asked him.

He looked back at me, and his eyes met mine. I looked shyly away, suddenly very aware of my ears and tail. He smiled that same, small, yet silly smile, and said, "All the time in the world." Then he ruffled my hair. He brushed against the furry black ears on the top of my head, and they twitched.

"Okay," I spoke, feeling a grin against my cheeks. I had not been with a friend in so long. I was suddenly happy. "Let's go to the park," I suggested, tugging lightly at his cuffs. I heard him chuckle, which was a low, throaty sound, and he followed me.

That was the first day I met Soubi, my older brother's friend. I remember thinking that he wasn't what I expected a friend of Seimei's to be like. Seimei was an extremely friendly seventeen year old, and had many good friends and acquaintances. I never met any of them, because he always left them to play with me. Soubi later told me that he was enrolled in University, and was twenty years old. What was a university student doing hanging around with my brother, who was still in high school? Soubi always seemed calm and passive, while Seimei liked to take the lead in everything. Maybe that was why they were friends; it was the perfect mixture.

I had never been in my school's neighborhood before, and it took us a while to find the park. When we did, we rested on a park bench and exchanged a few words. I was still a little shy, being in the presence of an adult. The only adults I had ever been close to were my parents. Certainly not a college student. I wondered when he had lost his ears. Maybe it was recently? That would make it a little less bad.

That day was a Saturday, which meant school ended at noon. The park was very empty. Of course, I suggested such a place because it was beautiful; a perfect place to take pictures. Soubi smiled when I pulled out my digital camera, and quickly got involved. He took several pictures of me, and a few butterflies that were resting on a wooden bench. We explored different parts of the park, looking for anything to capture on my camera.

I loved taking pictures. Even if I didn't, I would do it anyway. I want memories. My current self, "Ritsuka", has to go away eventually, just as suddenly as it appeared. When the original Ritsuka comes back, I will still have my memories to remind me of my second life.

Sometimes that makes me feel sad. What happens if these pictures don't bring back memories? Will my current self be forever forgotten? The people that work with Katsuko-sensei tell me I have multiple personalities. I looked it up in a book when I got home. Apparently, it means that there is more than one type of person inside my body, and each one takes control at different times. However, I must have been a special case; This 'personality' had been in control for two years now, and my original one had not returned.

Sometimes I wish I could just be normal. Every once in a while, I long for friends. There is no one besides Katsuko-sensei who will listen to me, and even then, Katsuko-sensei is getting paid for it. She tells me she cares about me, but it still doesn't seem right.

But every time I feel this way, I just remind myself that friends might hurt me even more than I already am. They were too much trouble and responsibility. It would be much easier just to go through life, remembering my one true friend, Seimei.

I expected the first day of my new school to bring such thoughts to me, and leave me depressed. However, that didn't happen. I had no time to be reminded of those things. I was too busy with Soubi.

Me and Soubi had a strange talk that day in the park. I'm too tired to write about it now, though. Maybe some other time.

I wonder whether this notebook thing is going to work or not.


	2. Chapter 2

Dear ...,

It is after school. I really have nowhere to go but here, my bedroom. Sometimes it gets pretty boring here, but I can't go downstairs. Not yet. My mom is acting weird today.

I have to see Katsuko-sensei tomorrow. I really hope she doesn't ask to read what I have written so far. I haven't told her much about Soubi, even though she's my therapist. Is that bad? Keeping secrets from your therapist? I haven't even told her about the day we met, or what we did after he picked me up from school. The park was fun, but Soubi was a little odd, even scary.

Not more than fifteen minutes after I had met the man, me and Soubi were headed to the park, taking pictures and having fun. I knew I was having fun. My mom says I'm too gloomy, but when I am doing something enjoyable, I laugh and giggle just like everyone else. Soubi was very composed, however. He smiled a lot, but was quiet. He did whatever I requested of him, including taking pictures of myself, or running to catch the sight of a beautiful bird perched on its branch. I like to believe that I can notice little details in people and figure out who they are - but, eventually, with Soubi, I forgot about that. I hadn't played with anyone in a long time. It is only now that I realize I should have been more suspicious of him, or kept my guard up. I was a gullible child.

Me and Soubi got tired after a few hours. It was winter, so the sky started getting dark soon. We decided to sit at a park table and look at all the memories we had created on my camera. Well, I was looking at them. Soubi sat across from me, occasionally speaking to me in that soft voice of his a few times.

"60 pictures already?" he asked.

I nodded cheerfully. 'Yep! I'll print them out and give them to you later - don't lose them, Soubi!"

His lips turned up in a ghost of a smile. "Well, then we can talk now. Wouldn't that create even better memories?"

I started getting nervous. "No. We have to take as many pictures as possible!" I answered hastily. Being the ignorant child I was, I hardly noticed the dangerous tone of my voice.

I looked away, embarrassed, when Soubi peered at me curiously. I spoke, "It's very important to me that we take these pictures. Otherwise, I'll forget everything that happened today."

I was already getting upset, but Soubi only blinked and said again in that husky voice, "How can that be? You won't forget."

I didn't want to explain myself, even if I had given too much information already. That was one thing I hated about myself; I always involuntarily hinted at things that were supposed to be secrets in my life. I couldn't help it. I suppose I just wanted someone else to know, so they could talk to me about it.

"I will," I answered simply.

There was a silence between us that seemed somewhat awkward, but only somewhat. Soubi seemed comfortable with silence, even if he was in company. It was starting to become normal. He was a very quiet person, even though he was an adult.

"Soubi..." I began to ask. "How did you know my brother?" My voice wavered on the last word.

Soubi seemed fairly surprised by my question, but started speaking nonetheless. "We met a few years ago. I can't even remember it that well anymore. Your brother and I had a very... special relationship," he said.

My ears twitched on top of my head. I was curious. "What do you mean?"

"Even though he was younger than me, Seimei always took the lead in everything. He decided where we went, what we did, everything," he continued. "He told me about you, his beloved little brother."

I perked up. Seimei had spoken of me?

"I know he died recently. I thought about paying you a visit, and seeing how you were doing. I was curious to meet the Aoyagis, especially his dearest baby brother."

If I had been less naive at the time, I would have wondered why Soubi didn't just go to our house instead of meeting me at my school, where I would be alone.

"Oh. You wanted to see me? You wanted to check on me?" I asked in a small voice. I looked away when he tried to make eye contact.

He finally answered, "Yes. I wanted to see you."

I wouldn't have understood it at the time, but I know now that I felt happy when he said that. Even if I had never met him before, he wanted to see me. Just me. He wanted to pay attention to me, like Seimei had months and months ago, and how my parents never did.

"But..." I started. He noticed my confused expression, and was now paying full attention to me. That made me shy. I didn't want to say it out loud, because it was embarrassing. "...I never knew Seimei had an adult friend..." I trailed off.

"Oh. My ears?"

I blushed heavily, and was suddenly aware of my long tail wagging. These were things people didn't usually talk about out loud.

He suddenly smiled in that goofy way of his. "Don't worry. I may not have ears, but I won't do anything to you."

When he said that, I looked up. Did that mean I could trust him? He said he wouldn't do anything to me. I saw his hands extend forward, reaching for me. I wondered what he was going to do. Was he going to ruffle my hair like he did before, to extenuate his promise? Was he expecting a high-five? Apparently not, because his hand closed around my wrist again. I blinked a few times, and was about to ask him if he wanted to get going already, when I was cut short by something... something impure, tainted, and gross.

I pulled away quickly, but the damage had been done. I felt sick, and tried bolting, but his hand grabbed mine and stopped me from escaping. I was scared. I pressed a hand to my mouth, as though to cover the evidence.

"Why did you do that?!" I shrieked. I was shocked to see he was only grinning, holding my wrist tightly without effort.

"It was only a kiss," he said in the exact same voice as before.

That was right. He had kissed me. I felt disgusted, as though I was going to throw up. Heat was rushing to my face, humiliated by the act of intimacy that I was not prepared for.

"You said you wouldn't do anything!" I screamed again, eyes piercing with anger into his.

His eyes silenced me, and he looked different from before. He wasn't quiet or stoic like before. He was smirking, and that scared me. I started trembling as he pulled me toward him by my wrist.

"Please... I want to go now..." I whispered, my voice shaking.

"Sorry, Ritsuka. But Seimei told me to watch after you, so I can't let you go," he answered. I was looking away, eyes downcast, but I could feel the smirk in his voice. He was bigger and stronger than me. What was I going to do? "Ritsuka, don't you want someone to look after you? Don't you want someone like Seimei? Like an older brother?"

"Don't talk about Seimei!" I shrieked, trying again to free myself, without success.

He paused for a moment. "I'm sorry," he said. "I miss Seimei, too, you know. He taught me many things, like I'm sure he did for you. We are the same, Ritsuka. Just think that Seimei was the one that wanted us to meet. Seimei."

He was still clutching my hand, and I was still whimpering and not looking at him. But both of his were silent now, going through those words in our heads. Soubi missed Seimei, too? I had never met someone I could easily talk to about my brother... certainly not my parents. If Seimei was close to this man, maybe he was a good adult...

But then I remembered that he had kissed me. I let out a sob, and held my hand to my lips again.

As though he was also remembering it, Soubi pulled my hand toward him and kissed it softly. He kept his lips there a long time, and I wriggled and squirmed.

"Stop!" I commanded, heat pooling in my cheeks. I had never been kissed before, in any way, with anyone besides Seimei. I was only 11 years old... no one in my class had ever kissed anyone! What was wrong with this man?

"Ritsuka," Soubi spoke when his lips left my hand. "We should become friends. We both share a bond... Seimei."

I would have laughed bitterly if I could. Friends? What kind of friendship was this?

"Seimei wanted us to meet. He wanted me to take care of you. He told me that you were lonely, and was always worried about you when he was gone. I want to take care of you. I will protect you, Ritsuka."

"Protect me...?" I repeated, stunned. Did this man really want to protect me?

"Yes," he replied. "Do this for Seimei. So he can rest in peace, knowing that you are safe."

I could almost feel tears in my eyes. Seimei... was Seimei worried about me, even in death?

"Seimei..." I sobbed. One lone tear slipped down my cheek. Soubi pulled me towards him, so that my face rested on his shoulder. I immediatly stiffened, but continued to cry. I cried a long time, and eventually, I must have relaxed onto Soubi's shoulder, because I soon became drowsy, and my eyelids became heavy. I think Soubi walked me halfway to my house, but not all the way. I was sleepy from crying, and I could hardly remember the walk.

I was so confused. Confused, and sad. Why did this all have to happen because of Seimei? If he had just not gone out by himself that night, none of this would be happening. None of this at all.


End file.
